You can't fix stupid, but you can sedate it.

Quickest way to a man's heart – a bilateral incision.

How do you know the dead body on the side of the road is a nurse? Stomach is empty, bladder is full and rear end is chewed.

Statistically 9 out of 10 injections are in vein.

PRN does not mean Please Remind Nurse.

What's the opposite of you're out? Urine.

You should always be kind to nurses, remember they will choose your catheter size.

All bleeding stops. Eventually.

My New Year's resolution is to finish nursing school without having a mental breakdown.

I'm a Nurse – what's your super power?

Yes I'm a nurse and No I don't want to look at it!

Don't mess with me I get paid to stab people with sharp objects.

RN does not stand for Refreshments and Narcotics

I'm beginning to think that ER stands for Everyone's Retarded.

Laughter is the best medicine….unless you have diarrhea.

The pain will go away when it stops hurting.

Not all patients are annoying..some are unconscious.

Sometimes I have to remind myself around my non-nurse friends not to talk about bodily functions.

Nursing school made me realize how well I handle stress, said no one ever.

I can't tell if you are on too many drugs or not enough.

It's just another Xanax Monday.

I'm not judgmental, I just have excellent assessment skills.

I'm a nurse because miracle worker isn't an official title.

Bend over this won't hurt a bit!

Patient acting up, they must wanna take a ride in the van…the Ativan.

Drop your pants, I'm a nurse.

Nurse…kind of like a doctor, but nicer.

When my shift ends I either want to boil myself or light myself on fire.

I came, I cared, I charted.

Be nice to me I dispense the happy pills.

And of course….

How many nurses does it take to screw in a light bulb….none we have the nursing student do it!

Mary Crawford, HealthCare Employment Network